Dealing with "toxic" co-workers

In the context of a team, it’s knowing that everyone is working for the same goals and purpose.  That no one is out for personal gain or to damage any other person or department.  So says Pat Lencioni in “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team."

I’ve always thought it’s a good definition.  But what do you do when it falls apart, through no action of your own?  How do you deal with those “toxic” co-workers who will ascribe meanings and motivations where they don’t exist?  Here’s a few suggestions...

1) Don’t use email.  In emotionally charged situations (and trust is an emotion), body language and tone of voice matter so much more than the words you are using.  If someone is going to question your motivations and/ or integrity, they will read much more into emails and texts than they could in a phone call or face-to-face.  Let your humanity show your sincerity and communicate one-on-one.

2) Over explain your why.  In the absence of information, people make up a story.  And that story is always worse than the truth.  Take the time to explain your “why” throughly.  If you feel like you’re over-explaining- good.  In practice, you can’t emphasize it enough.  If your “why” is left unclear on any level, it opens itself up to being “interpreted” or, frankly, made-up.

Of course, if you have a truly “toxic” co-worker- the kind that just makes things up and lashes out, it can be harder.  You may find yourself having to “prove a negative” or playing “he-said, she-said.”  So here are few extra tips for those moments.

First, have a third-party sit-in.  Even if only to observe quietly, having someone there who is neutral can help ensure that disputes over the facts can be resolved through impartial eyes.  And often, they may be able to chime in with that unaffected perspective when your “toxic” co-worker is bending reality right in the moment.

Second, remember that people most often reflect their worst qualities onto others.  So if you have a co-worker who is constantly accusing everyone around them of back-stabbing, lying, colluding or gossiping about them; they are often doing so as a way to “normalize” their own behavior by ascribing it to everyone else.  So be careful what you say or do around them.

Unfortunately, “toxic” co-workers are just a part of the office life.  The best companies will be good at identifying, isolating, and ultimately removing them.  But in the meantime, be smart, be sincere, be honest and transparent and you can keep doing the work you love.